All things are bad, and college football is no different. Here’s a comprehensive guide on how to hate every team in each power five conference. All information is from Athlon Sports or Phil Steele.

MIAMI

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BEST FAN BASE IN THE COUNTRY Y’ALL

Coach: Mark Richt, who’s somehow ALREADY LOST CONTROL OF HIS PROGRAM. Okay, those last three are from Georgia, but you get the point. Trouble seems to follow Mark Richt, for whatever reason, so obviously we should ship him off to Miami, what could possibly go wrong at the crime capital of the college football universe. Miami has never been good without cheating. They even managed to get caught cheating, get punished, and then do the exact same thing again. Unsurprisingly, they got punished for the second time, AND THEN THEY DID IT AGAIN, THE ONLY DIFFERENCE WAS THAT THE THIRD TIME THEY DIDN’T EVEN CHEAT RIGHT, THEY STILL SUCKED. It takes serious talent to cheat in college football, and still suck, but if anyone can continue the tradition, it’s Macho Man Mark Richt.

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MARK RICHT HAS LOST CONTROL OF HIS HANDS

Key Players: Brad Kaaya(QB), Joe Yearby(RB), Stacy Coley(WR), Jermaine Grace(OLB), Al-Quadin Muhammad(DE), Rayshawn Jenkins(S), Corn Elder(CB). 15 returning players, 24th in the nation. Brad Kaaya is actually a pretty solid quarterback, but unfortunately he’s being blocked for by 5 turnstiles, the kind you can just hop right over. Also, MIAMI HAS A PLAYER NAMED CORN ELDER. Aside from the quarterback whose name sounds like papaya, and the cornerback who’s name is literally Corn, Miami is relatively uninteresting this season, they look like every other middle of the road, 8-5, 9-4 level team.

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Corn Elder: not actually corn.

Where: Miami, Florida. So many things you could hate about Miami, but by far the worst thing in Miami is Marlins Man. God I hate him.

Why should you hate them: Miami gave up more than 58 points last season on two different occasions. The last time they gave up more than 58 points (before last season) was 1998. Mark Richt was at Georgia last season, but he had to be the cause of these defensive lapses, it’s the only explanation. The most points Miami scored last season was 45, which wouldn’t be bad if it wasn’t Bethune-Cookman, home of Wil D Cat, and his rockin ass sneakers.
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You go Wil, wear your sneakers with pride, you majestic man in a cat costume at a division 2 school. Miami lost to Washington State in the Sun Bowl last year, the best bowl game that you watched for five minutes before realizing that you’d rather take a nap in the oven. Miami plays in a stadium 40 minutes away from their campus, not because they don’t want to have their own stadium, but because they don’t want people to be subjected to watching the most boring spread offense in history. You should hate Miami because they don’t use the color name after their city in their uniforms, because they disrespected Wil D Cat, and because Mark Richt has lost control of his ability to love.

NEXT UP: NORTH CAROLINA

 

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