All things are bad, and college football is no different. Here’s a comprehensive guide on how to hate every team in each power five conference. All information is from Athlon Sports or Phil Steele.

Florida State

Florida State in the 2014 playoffs: not so strong

Coach: Jimbo Fisher, truck enthusiast. I’m not so sure that isn’t the company car, one of the requirements for living in Tallahassee is having more camo than brain cells.

Konica Minolta Gator Bowl - Florida State v West Virginia
No human being has ever been more Florida than Jimbo Fisher

Key Players: Sean Maguire(QB), Dalvin Cook(RB), Travis Wilson(WR), Derwin James(S), DeMarcus Walker(DE), Marquez White(CB), entire offensive line. Florida State is back from a rebuilding year, and they’re loaded up front. Dalvin Cook should be able to run all over the place, and is a sure Heisman contender if he stays healthy. The defense should be solid, and overall it’s a very good roster, as they return 17 starters, including their ENTIRE OFFENSE. That 17 is good enough for 49th in the country. The only serious question mark is the Quarterback position, because Sean Maguire was extremely average last year, and behind him is a redshirt freshman in Deondre Francois, and freshman Malik Henry.

Dalvin Cook realizing that he has to carry an entire team

Where: Tallahassee, Florida

Why should you hate them: Oh lord, where to even start. Well, lets see, the Tallahassee police department has been protecting Florida State players for years. That’s six different articles. There’s a million more, some regarding smaller things, some as big as a cover-up for the star quarterback. Jameis Winston raped a person, and got away with literally no punishment, because the Tallahassee police and Florida State officials are disgusting, terrible human beings that care more about football than someone’s well-being. Oh, did I say Jameis got away with nothing? Sorry, he got away with ONE GAME FOR SOMETHING ENTIRELY DIFFERENT. Oh, and he stole crab legs and got suspended 3 games, by the baseball team, of course. I’m sure that hurt him a lot, that poor guy. If all that isn’t enough reason to hate Florida State, you could look to their social media presence, where #FSUTwitter runs rampant. If you don’t know about FSU twitter, they’re possibly the worst corner of twitter, attacking anyone that questions the police practices surrounding the team, releasing victim names and shaming victims into silence. But that’s not all they do. They defend anyone associated with Florida State football, no matter the crime, or situation. A Florida State player could kill the president and livestream it and FSU twitter would find a way to defend them. Florida State fans are somehow worse than the Penn State fans that still support Joe Paterno, a certified terrible person. Ramzy Nasrallah, an excellent writer at Eleven Warriors wrote a great piece on this, and I’m going to link to his article, because he said it better than I possibly could. The topic of domestic abuse, and just crime in general in college football is very touchy, and it’s extremely difficult to not cross the line, especially as a fan. There’s a place for defending the players you love, but it’s almost always taken too far, and Florida State fans are widely known as the worst when it comes to taking it too far, be it with victim shaming, mass denial, or just the general nastiness that comes from Tallahassee. You should hate Florida State because domestic violence is woven into the culture of the program, and if you can’t see that, you’re part of the problem. Here’s how to donate to the domestic violence hotline.



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