All things are bad, and college football is no different. Here’s a comprehensive guide on how to hate every team in each power five conference. All information is from Athlon Sports or Phil Steele.

Duke

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Jeremy Cash, one of the best players in Duke history. Went undrafted.

Coach: David Cutcliffe. He’s been coaching at Duke for 9 years and I had to look him up because I had no idea who he was. He is the human equivalent of Duke football: just kinda there, easily forgotten.

David Cutcliffe
Looks like a politician explaining why we have to ban cats

Key Players: Thomas Sirk(QB), TJ Rahming(WR), Devon Edwards(CB), AJ Wolf(DT), Breon Borders(CB), Tinashe Bere(ILB). Returns 12 starters, good enough for 80th overall, just in front of Clemson. Thomas Sirk was the leading passer and rusher for the Blue Devils last year, which is always a good sign (it’s not). They lost their best defender in Jeremy Cash, as well as their best receiver, Max McCaffrey, brother of Christian, the running back at Stanford.

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Thomas Sirk, the very tired Quarterunningback

Where: Durham, North Carolina.

Why should you hate them: Last season, Duke gave up 3.8 yards per play on average, through the first six games. If they had kept that up, they would have finished 1st. Like, in the whole country, even above Boston College, the team famous for only fielding a defense. But they didn’t keep it up. Instead, they finished the last 7 games giving up 6.5 yards per play, dropping them to 47th nationally, with a year average of 5.37. That’s accompanied by a 5.53 per play statistic from the offense, good for 71st. Remarkably average. Starting to sense a pattern?  Duke is fantastically average, in every metric, and just as a program. Don’t believe me? Well here is a chart:
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Yeah that’s right, I brought charts into this. Basically, Duke is as average as you can be. They went 8-5 last season, and I’m sure they’ll do slightly worse, or slightly better this year, depending on how well the basketball team plans on doing. Yes, finally, 327 words in, I mention the basketball team. I’m sure as soon as you read the headline you thought of the basketball team. Don’t feel bad, I did the exact same thing, and that’s why Duke football is eternally doomed to fail. Well, that, and their helmets are terrible. Why is it just the letter D? Why do they not have the cool little devil guy in it? Just look at how much better this is:
Duke-throwback-helmets-f.png

compared to this:
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Get it together, Duke/Nike. You should hate Duke because they’ll always be overshadowed by the basketball program, that you should also hate. Oh, and the kick was good.

 

 

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