A lot of fools have been asking me recently, “tweetsdonter™, how do you keep up with the whirlwind of success that is Cleveland sports fandom?” Well it’s easy, my simple friends.
The Cavs(short for Cavalandiers, some say) are currently the talk of the town in Cleveland, and they are certainly easy to follow if you aren’t a massive idiot with a bad brain. During the season, you just have to watch their games against other big teams, and then when Kevin Love, Kyrie Irving, or Lebron James struggle, you have to tweet scorching hot takes about why they should be traded, or shot, or both.
Oh yeah, that’s the good stuff. Peter Krouse is a writer for Cleveland dot-com. Welcome to Cleveland. Once that pesky regular season is over, you can get to business. Playoff season is only for elite fans, the kind that watch the games on twitter while doing something else, and then watch the deciding game of each eastern conference series on television. Once they get to the finals, you can watch them all on TV, and complain about everyone not named Lebron, while they struggle and claw to the greatest comeback in NBA history against the greatest* team in NBA history. Now that the season is over, and you’ve posted a sufficient amount of videos of you losing your mind over a team you’ve watched for three months, you can get on to free agency, the absolute best time of the year for CavsTwitter. How do you track free agency in Cleveland? Firstly, follow all their potential targets, and all their potential target’s wives and families. Next, track everything those people say, do, follow, like, and anything else. Any rumor that comes out must be attacked as if it is 100% true all of the time. And last but certainly not least, PLANE TRACKING.
THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE BEST PART OF CLEVELAND FANDOM, IT’S INSANE AND INCREDIBLE AND I LOVE IT.
The Indians are the other team in Cleveland, and they’re also amazing and far better than any other team except for the Cubs, who are also cool with me. To follow the indians, you just have to watch their games when they’re on a winning streak, and then forget about them entirely when they ultimately fall out of playoff contention in August after surging in July. The Indians have three players on their team, San Fransisco Lindor, the pitcher guy who doesn’t smile, and Michael
Jordan Brantley, who died(?) earlier this year. They’re managed by Franklin the Turtle. If they do somehow make the playoffs, make sure to halfheartedly watch the wildcard game and then drunkenly buy a ticket to a game you most certainly won’t go to. Go baseball!
Contrary to common belief, the Browns don’t actually exist. Don’t question it, I’m right.
Not the team, the actual river monsters in Lake Erie, you gotta watch out for them. They are vicious and bloodthirsty.
Cleveland’s only professional football team has a bit of an unfair advantage, being that they all used to fight in roman coliseums.
Not in Cleveland, but you might as well root for them anyway, to make up for the lack of an NFL team.
WHAT? THERE ARE BENGALS IN CLEVELAND?
STOP THIS MADNESS, THERE ARE NO COMMUNISTS IN CLEVELAND, THIS IS A SOCIALIST CITY, AND I’LL THANK YOU TO REMEMBER THAT.
*lost in the finals after being up 3-1 so they aren’t the greatest