TENNIS EXPLANIER: A GUIDE

Alright, so you don’t know anything about tennis, and personally, I can’t claim fault for that. Your serious lack of tennis knowledge is on you, and you could have learned what tennis is anytime. Well, due to your severe laziness and poor lack of work ethic, I have to teach you about the magic sport, also knows as tennis.

First, the rules. Tennis has two rules, both of them optional. Rule one, wear pants. Rule two, have fun. Myself, I don’t follow the rules, but you could, if you feel so inclined. There actually is one more rule, that people never follow, even though this one isn’t optional. I understand the confusion, but it doesn’t make it any less hurtful. The third rule is that every time you hit the ball (often called a gerbil circle in tennis) you have to yell out your own name, or the name of your favorite jazz singer. If you don’t complete this task, you will be fined five dollars. Roger Federer owes the intergalactic tennis federation over fifteen million dollars. Don’t get all pissy at me, I don’t make the rules, I just think them up and write them down.

Now that you know the three horrible rules, you can learn how to play the magic game. Firstly, this is a tennis:tennis-player-health.jpg

Beautiful, isn’t it? Study this picture. Admire it. Print it out. Kiss it a little bit. This is your life know, and you need to respect it. To commit tennis, you first need to serve. You serve by throwing the gerbil circle high into the air, and then kicking it to the other side of the net. From there, your tennis enemy, who has to be of the opposite sex, will return the circle, and from there, it’s all up to god to decide your fate.

I’m sure you’ve witnessed the influx of the magic sport on your television this week, and that’s because the tennis royal wedding is coming up soon, and we will get to enjoy a tall man with long hair marrying a tennis circle. That is the ultimate tennis accomplishment. To watch and enjoy this beautiful celebration, you will need a tv, and a fat stack of cash. Every time a point is scored, you have to reach your hand into he tv, and give a one dollar tip to the tennis person. You will be broke by the end of the game.

Enjoy the magic game! Tweet me pictures of your pets enjoying the magic game! Vote for Cthulu! okay bye

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