Getting over a breakup is difficult, and we* here at tweetsdonter™ are ready to help. If you follow this guide, you’ll be back to your usual self in no time, we* guarantee** it.
*Just one guy
**I don’t guarantee it
STEP ONE: BURN DOWN YOUR HOUSE, AS WELL AS YOUR FORMER PARTNER’S
This step is crucial, obviously, if it wasn’t, it wouldn’t be in the official tweetsdonter™ guide to getting over a breakup. It’s pretty self-explanatory, you just simply have to burn down your house, as well as the house of your former partner. I know it seems like a small thing, but getting rid of those memories and constant reminders is extremely important to a quick recovery.
STEP TWO: CRY INCESSANTLY UNTIL YOUR ROOM MATE EVICTS YOU
Another seemingly small step, but this one is just as important. Not being homeless is a big time reminder that you once were successful, with a nice house, a high paying job, and a partner that used to love you. Having nothing at all is far better than having a happy and fulfilling life, and you’ll find that out very quickly as you ruin your last pair of pants in a thunderstorm because you passed out before you found an underpass to sleep under.
STEP THREE: QUIT YOUR JOB BY KIDNAPPING THE CHILD OF YOUR BOSS
Another seemingly basic step, I know, but getting over a tough break up is all about small steps forward. For this one, you just have to kidnap your bosses’ thirteen year old son, Carl, and keep him as an employee for your new startup company. Carl is a huge part of this difficult process, and though he might not like the work conditions right now, he’ll be much happier when you reward him with employee of the month for his 35th birthday.
STEP FOUR: HELP YOUR FELLOW HOMELESS PEOPLE
One of the most surefire ways to make yourself feel better is by helping the less fortunate, even if the less fortunate seem to have far more than you do. You can accomplish this by paying the most rabid homeless person you can find to referee your 40+ mens recreational basketball league on Saturday. Keep in mind, this step does require robbing a footlocker employee at gunpoint for his shirt, as well as giving the last of your money to Jim, the rabid homeless man who 100% has no idea what basketball is, or where it is played, but all of this will be worth it when you get to see the smile(?) on his beautiful, homeless face.
STEP FIVE: GO TO A BASEBALL GAME
What could be better? You get to enjoy America’s pastime on a beautiful sunny day. This one is a little bit tricky, because remember, you just gave the rest of your money to Jim, but it’s important to keep a positive attitude through all of this. I would suggest a Red Sox game, but really this could be done anywhere. Basically, you have to sneak into the stadium, down onto the field, and then you’re free to showcase your beautiful, dirty, naked, homeless body to the world while you munch on tasty baseball grass, just make sure you don’t turn out like this bird:
God I hate birds.
STEP SIX: ESCAPE FROM PRISON
So at this point, all of your escapades at the ball game will have landed you in prison, but that’s okay, all you need to get out of this is a positive attitude, and a nail file, and we both know you have a nail file on you, for situations just like this one.
STEP SEVEN: ATTEND YOUR OWN FUNERAL
This is the final step! Complete this one successfully and you’ll be over your failures as a person and ready to move on with your miserable life! When you escaped from that prison cell that may or may not have actually just been a hotel room, you took quite the fall, but you managed to land right on a dumpster fire, and your loved ones just took the easy route and assumed you perished in the fire. Now, you have a funeral to attend, so put on your best fake mustache and biggest hat, and get walking, chump!
There you have it, friend, you’ve officially moved on! Congratulations, your life has nowhere to go but up now, and I’m sure you’ll be back on your (bare) feet again soon. What’s that? You’d like some spare change? No I’m sorry, you’ll have to work harder than that!